HER, Her and her

(Note from Mel – I am adding a new blogger to the mix. Mikey Kokoslover is a dear friend and talented artist, who writes on a broad range of topics. He wanted to write something from the heart, so…here he is.)

By Mikey Kokoslover

I met HER when I needed love. HER was unlike any other woman that I had met before (or since). We dated, we married, and had some beautiful years together.

Then life hit us hard…expectantly hard. It hit us in a way that breaks people. It broke us.

We loss the oneness of “us” and became more HER and me. More accurately, we became more HER versus me. No longer allies, we became advisories, and we developed that adversarial relationship to the fullest. It was ripe with resentment, and insurmountable emotional barriers. We argued viciously and constantly. We devolved into a downward spiral of distrust and disrespect that further devolved until we no longer understood, or liked one another. We sought comfort in others; a move that left us emotionally dying and exposed, pained and vulnerable. In the midst of that is when I found Her.

It started off as a fling. It was purely a sex thing. I thought that sex was what I needed, but, I was emptier than I thought. I found myself trying to find, in Her, all the things that I missed about HER. I started filling the voids with Her, trying to soothe the pain caused by HER.

Her had voids to fill as well. Her was separated and close to divorce. So Her understood my pain. Her also understood how intoxicating it was to be understood when you’ve been misunderstood for so long. She was also painfully aware of the relationship mistakes she’d made and was looking forward to an opportunity for improvement.

Her was sweet. Her was kind. Her listened. Her was a lot like how HER used to be. Consequently, Her and I became close. Then, with each conversation, Her and I grew closer. Then so close, that unmistakable love, mistakenly took hold. Eventually, Her wanted me to leave HER, so that Her and I could start our own journey and explore this love that we’d stumbled upon. But how could I replace HER with Her, when all I ever wanted was to get HER back? Make no mistake, I cared about Her, I even loved Her, but she and I both knew that HER was always the goal.

But Her wanted more…more than I could provide. Her knew I loved Her, but Her also knew that my heart was with HER. So Her bowed out, to give HER and I a fair chance to blossom again.
But HER was still full of pain and resentment, and was unready to begin anew. So now that pain I had with HER, had been compounded by the pain of losing Her. I was a different kind of miserable because I didn’t have HER or Her anymore.

Then her entered the picture. This her had her own set of issues and pain. This her heard my pain and my long journey from HER, to Her, to now her. She also knew how I felt about Her and HER. But this her made it clear that the sex — not feelings — was the mission.

Yeah, the sex was amazing. But I was trying to make her, like Her. She wasn’t, no matter how hard I tried. I missed Her. And I missed HER. Although her’s brand of sweetness was just as good as Her’s, my mind said “eh” because she wasn’t Her. And, no matter how much I love Her, Her isn’t HER. And no matter how much I love HER, HER can’t love me like I need to be loved.

I’m not sure how to end this story because the real life version hasn’t ended yet. And if you’re confused by HER, Her, and her, imagine how I feel?